Episode 1: Winter Extreme Sports Special Olympics going down in flames


Joel, Eli, Josh


Feburary 4th, 2008



Last Podcast


Podcast Page

Episode 1: Winter Extreme Sports Special Olympics going down in flames

Next Podcast

Episode 2: Country Fried Love 2: Porkchop Boogaloo

Post Show



Episode 1

This HijiNKS ENSUE Podcast was the very first one recorded, and used Garage Band for recording. It covered topics such as Lost, Rambo movies, and also had a running gag of pretending it was a live show, and continually trying to get "callers" on the line.

Time Stamp Topics Edit

These time stamps are meant to give an extremely general summary of the HijiNKS ENSUE Podcast, and can also be used to help locate a certain favorite section of the podcast that you may have trouble remembering. The timestamps are not exact, and can be 5-10 seconds off. This transcript is taken directly from the Episode 1 page.

Full Transcript Edit

Beginning Edit

Joel: I cant ... I can't talk to you with any level of seriousness. Let me just, uh, what am I going to do here now?

("The Final Countdown" by Europe starts playing)

Someone: Professional voices.

Joel: Here it comes.

Eli: It's still recording.

Joel: That gives me a boner. It's so good.

Eli: It's like a thick can boner?

Joel: A what? Like a beer can?

Eli: Yeah, like a beer can boner.

Joel: Yeah sure. Not yet, but when it gets to this middle part here, I'll beer-can it.

Josh: What the fuck does that mean?

Joel: It's more of a girth thing.

Eli: It's more of a straight thing.

Joel: Yeah, you wouldn't understand.

Josh: That's not true at all.

Joel: Boners are not more of a straight thing, I promise you. Because when it's not, there's more involved. There's more of them.

Eli: Boner.

Joel: The End. Thanks for tuning into the podcast everybody. This has been the Hijinks Ensue Podcast first episode.

Eli: We'd like to thank all our callers today...

Joel: It's been, we're doing great, it's been great.

Eli: Sorry we couldn't get to everybody.

Joel: I'd like to thank Christopher Reeve for coming in, despite being paraplegic and dead.

Josh: Uh, he was quadriplegic.

Joel: He's a trooper. That guy was a trooper.

(Vocal portion of song starts)

Joel: Oh man. I should let this play the entire time.

Eli: I actually want to play my version so if you could turn it down.

The Final Countdown Edit

( begins playing)

Joel: Oh, thank you, America.

Eli: I don't think that guy's American. Wait for it.

(Vocal portion of YouTube clip begins)

Joel: That's better than the original.

Eli: I know.

Joel: Did you know that Journey hired that guy to replace Steve Perry?

Eli: To work at the ren fair or wherever the hell this video was shot? It's fantastic.

Joel: I was at that ren fair. "Forsooth, t'is Europe. The continent we all (inaudible)."

Josh: That's actually you singing right now, isn't it?

Joel: Forsooth. Huzzah. Huzzah, everybody, it's "The Final Countdown". Alright, Hijinks Ensue Podcast #1.

Eli: Previously...

Joel: Previously on Hijinks Ensue Podcast. And then things from "Lost" happen.

Josh: On a very special Hijinks Ensue Podcast.

Joel: You know what, fuck it, let's start this off...

Eli: So, we were talking about "Rambo".

Lost Season 4 Premiere Underwhelms Edit

Joel: Let's, no, fuck it, let's start this off right. Because this is what's on my mind, let's talk about "Lost". I was so unimpressed by that motherfucker. I have never been sadder when watching "Lost". It's been, we thought about this, because the second, third, and fourth comic I did were about "Lost", and I was like "Man, that was a long time ago. That was ... Holy shit, that was the finale. That was eight fucking months ago." And then they come back in fuel force with a clusterfuck world-tour trainwreck terrible ...

Josh: You didn't like Hurley running in slow motion?

Joel: That was so terrible.

Josh: Hurley's massive breasts that hung like (inaudible).

Eli: Breasts.

Joel: That was, your job is to just go "dicks".

Eli: Damn.

Joel: You're the guy in the radio booth that sits in the back, and he's actually in his own little booth, and we're like "So, uh, what'd you guys think about last night's 'Lost'?" "Dicks."

Eli: Dicks. Balls.

Joel: Man boobs. God that Hurley is ... I'd climb him like a mountain, he's so ... He is like a love sac filled with jello and I want to envelop myself in that.

Eli: Like the Love Sack Store?

Joel: Yeah.

Eli: Love Sack.

Joel: Yeah.

Eli: Love. Sack.

Joel: You've got, alright, you've got your job.

Eli: The best part is we still have not introduced, like, no one knows who we are.

Joel: I don't care. No one's ever going to know.

Eli: I'm that guy that just says "Balls".

Joel: The "Balls" guy is Eli, and that's how I've introduced you in person if I had to.

Eli: Balls.

Joel: "Hey, who's your brownish friend?" "Oh, the balls guy. That's Eli."

Eli: That's me.

Joel: So yeah, Joel, from pijinks pilaf, rice pilaf. From It's one of those webcomics that the internet has. And also from the internet, Josh.

Josh: Yeah, that's me.

Joel: All the way here from the internet.

Eli: On loan from the internet.

Joel: On loan from the Federal Internet Reserve, and Eli, who we have mentioned. Balls.

Eli: Taint.

Joel: I've got to put an effect on your mic so that it goes (demonic voice) taint.

Eli: What the crap are we talking about? We were talking about "Lost".

Joel: We're talking about "Lost" right now. Is that all there is to say, that it was terrible, and then just move on? That's it? You know what, we have a question about that, as a matter of fact.

Eli: Oh, let's get into the ...

Joel: Mail bag.

Josh: Let's go to the first e-mailer.

Joel: Yeah it's a mail bag that we've got that asks about "Lost". If I said "mail bag", Eli, you should say "bag".

Eli: Bag.

Joel: Did you know that you can't open e-mail in iTunes? It's just not there. When you look for it, it's not even there.

Eli: There.

Joel: Stay with bag.

Eli: Bag.

Joel: Sack. Let's see, where's this e-mail?

Rambo IV Makes Grown Men Giggle Edit

Eli: Did you know that "Rambo" was also going to be called "To Hell And Back"? That's a working title.

Joel: Are you on IMDB?

Eli: Yes.

Joel: "To Hell And Back"?

Eli: To Hell ...

Joel: Before it was called "John Rambo". His first name's John. (Action movie trailer voice) In a world where your first name is John and your last name is Rambo, John Rambo is ...

Eli: At the outer edge of space ...

Joel: ... when insanity is all you have ...

Eli: ... a renegade cop ....

Josh: ... a robot renegade cop ...

Joel: ... in Vietnam.

Eli: Well no the whole listing is "To Hell And Back" or "Rambo IV: John Rambo", or "Rambo: First Blood Part IV".

Joel: It just keeps going. "Rambo: Sunny Vacation in Florida"

Eli: "Rambo IV", "Rambo IV India", "Rambo IV: In The Serpent's Eye". Serpent.

Josh: Were there any serpents in the movie?

Eli: Oh, this one's good.

Joel: It was originally a sequel to "Snakes On A Plane".

Eli: "Rambo IV: End of Peace".

Joel: (Stallone voice) I'm sick of all these motherfucking snakes in this motherfucking jungle.

Eli: Oh wow, this gets better. There's "Rambo IV: Holy War", and "Rambo IV: Pearl of the Cobra".

Joel: Rambo shoots the Taliban. All of them.

Eli: A renegade cobra at the edge of space. Balls.

Joel: (Action movie trailer voice) In space, no one can hear you hiss.

Eli: So where were we? Right, we were talking about "Lost".

Joel: (Action movie trailer voice) Cobras can breath in space and fly into the sun. (end voice) It was a sequel to "Sunshine".

Eli: Until you hook them up with like a wacky sidekick.

Joel: (Comedy movie trailer voice) Rob Schneider and Rambo as Rob Schneider ... Rob Schneider plays the snake. "Rambo, ssssttttthhh. There's all these guys here. Oh God, they're shooting at us Rambo."

Eli: (Stallone voice) I ain't got time to bleed.

Joel: And for some reason they have the Judge Dredd bike. The hoverbike from Judge Dredd. Wait, wait, wait. No, that's from "Demolition Man".

Josh: Wow.

Eli: It's all the same.

Joel: Did you know, Sylvester Stallone is from the future? That's the only explanation.

Eli: You're just now figuring this out?

Joel: I'm just now figuring this out. (Stallone voice) Uhhh, we've evolved past the need for intelligible speech. (end voice) Balls. Alright, so we're talking about Rambo anyway, we might as well talk about Rambo. Tell me about Rambo, because I didn't see it, and I'm not gonna see it.

Eli: I've never been so happy in my life.

Josh: Pure joy. Absolute pure joy.

Joel: Unadulterated beauty?

Eli: Joy.

Joel: Was it like, um, was it an artsy joy? Like, "House of Flying Daggers" or some shit, or was it ... ?

Josh: You could call it that, yeah.

Eli: It's like when you're a kid and you take fireworks and put them all in a blender with your G.I. Joe's ...

Joel: Oh, like you've duct-taped a thousand bottle rockets together.

Eli: Right. Apparently their (inaudible) were as big as like, I don't know.

Josh: Cats.

Eli: Yeah.

Joel: They were just cats.

Eli: A full size cat.

Joel: "Alright, Sylvester, we're going to take all these yellowish people (Eli: Woah) and we're going to tape live cats underneath their ... It was Vietnam right?

Josh: It was in Burma.

Joel: Who'd he kill in this one?

Josh: The Burmese.

Eli: All of Burma.

Joel: Who are the Burmese? I'm just going to play ... no idea.

Josh: Also Myanmar.

Joel: Oh. (J. Peterman voice) "Elaine, you probably know it as Myanmar." (end voice)

Josh: I suck at geography, he just killed a bunch of Asian people.

Joel: What was it he was addicted to? (J. Peterman voice) I too have tasted the sweet breath of opium. (end voice)

Eli: Should I just read what IMDB has?

Joel: IMDB says "The Burmese ... "

Eli: In Thailand John Rambo joins a group of mercenaries to venture into war-torn Burma.

Joel: Wait wait wait. Send me a link to that because I don't like how you're doing this.

Eli: You know what? Blow me. BLOW.

Joel: Alright, so where's the tagline on this? Oh my Jesus. (action movie trailer voice) "Heroes never die, they just reload." (end voice) But Rambo never reloads. He screws an explosive arrow tip onto a shaft.

Eli: Actually he ate like a big box of bullets and shat out the most destructive force I've ever seen. It was fantastic.

Joel: That's good. Takes out a tank.

Eli: I actually was tired at the end of the movie. Like I felt like ...

Joel: Like you'd been there?

Josh: It was physically exhausting to watch.

Joel: I get this impression that you two were balled up on the floor with some yarn, like batting it back and forth, giggling.

Josh: Yeah, we turned into cats.

Joel: "Ah. Ah. The best movie ever." You were Japanese schoolgirls. (Japanese schoolgirl laughter)

Eli: I *can* has cheezburger!

Josh: But Denise was terrified.

Joel: She was there with you? That's unfortunate.

Eli: It was Denise and Rick.

Joel: Because she saw her people dying.

Josh: (whisper) I don't think those are her people.

Joel: I don't ...

Josh: I don't think it really matters though.

Joel: We haven't established where it is.

Josh: BURMA!

Joel: Yeah I don't, I'm going to pretend I know where war-torn Burma is. (J. Peterman voice) I know it as Myanmar. I don't know what you mean by Burma. (end voice)

Josh: It's over there in one of those Asian places we don't care about.

Joel: (action movie trailer voice) "In Thailand, John Rambo joins a group of mercenaries to venture into war-torn Burma, you may know it as Myanmar, and rescue a group of Christian AIDS workers", it says aid but it would be funnier if it was Christians with AIDS, "workers who are captured in the ruthless local infantry unit. The plot synopsis is empty." Oh that's not actually, I assumed that's what they were saying about the movie. It's not a review. But the first keyword is "disturbing".

Josh: Can you replace that with beautiful?

Joel: Beautiful. "Tragic, disturbing, rape." Rape comes before graphic violence.

Eli: I don't remember any rape in that movie.

Joel: Then you weren't paying attention. That was one of your laughing fits for twenty minutes.

Eli: I do remember the point at the movie ...

Joel: Unadulterated joy.

Eli: Where the Burmanese ...

Joel: Burmese. Pythons.

Eli: Right.

Joel: That's their team.

Eli: Where they throw a small baby into the fire.

Josh: Oh yeah, they do that.

Eli: They do that.

Joel: Like, to roast it, for eating?

Eli: I don't know. They...

Josh: Most ...

Eli: It was like baby ...

Joel: Sacrificing it to Rambo?

Josh: It was like a 7th trimester abortion.

Joel: Wow. So we've covered rape and abortion and ...

Eli: (something unaudible about abortion)

Joel: We're doing good. We're doing good, for, uh, we are 12 minutes into this and we've got rape, abortion and racism.

Eli: Special Olympics. Oh no no no.

Drusilla Meets Rambo [audio]Edit

Joel: That got cut. That's gone. Julie Benz was in this!?

Josh: Yes, Darla was in the movie. She's the main woman.

Joel: (high pitched) Holy fuck! Holy fuck!

Josh: She convinces Rambo to kill everyone.

Eli: Oh yeah.

Joel: But is she ... Wait, she has dark hair now?

Josh: But not in the movie.

Eli: It's all just special effects. They did that in post at ILM.

Joel: I wish it wasn't Darla, I wish it was, uh, Dru. Yes. So Rambo's like (Stallone voice) Uh, I don't know if I should kill all these people. (Drusilla from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer voice) You should stab them in their pretty eyes, Rambo. I hear the most beautiful music. (Stallone voice) Uh, I don't know what you're talking about. I have a giant bazooka, I don't even, I'm gonna kill all these people. (Drusilla voice) There's fairies with bat wings dancing in my brain.

Josh: What the hell!

Joel: (Stallone voice) What are you even talking about?

Candy Mountain Edit

Eli: (Candy Mountain voice) It's Candy Mountain, Rambo! Rambo. (implying that Joel's Drusilla voice sounds like the characters from Candy Mountain)

Josh?: (Candy Mountain voice) Shun.

Eli: Rambo, you're not talking back to me in Candy Mountain.

Joel: What is that?

Eli: (Candy Mountain voice) I don't know.

Joel: Do you even know what I'm talking about?

Eli: (Candy Mountain voice) No.

Joel: Oh, oh.

Eli: (Candy Mountain voice) But I'm going to Candy Mountain.

Joel: It was a Buffy thing.

Eli: Yeah, I know.

Josh: Eli never watched Buffy.

Eli: I did watch Buffy, but ...

Joel: (Drusilla voice) Ballerinas are tap-dancing on my face, Rambo. (Stallone voice) Does that mean I'm supposed to kill everybody or not supposed to kill everybody? I don't understand. (Normal voice) She's his advisor. (Generic military voice) Gentlemen, we're bringing in the best, we're bringing in John Rambo and an insane vampiress to advise on this mission. This Black Ops. Ladies and Gentlemen and Drusilla ... (Drusilla voice) I can hear the most beautiful music. The pretty eyes. (Generic military voice) Yes, excellent. We're going to Burma, who should we attack?

Eli: (Candy Mountain voice) Candy Mountain.

Joel: (Drusilla voice) Candy Mountain. This is irrelevant to the character, but ...

Eli: (Candy Mountain voice) I want candy.

Joel: (Drusilla voice) I want the sweets. (Generic military voice) Is this covert intel, Drusilla? (Stallone voice) I don't even know what this bitch is talking about. (Normal voice) Ok.

Eli: Back on, now let's go to the phones.

Joel: Graham McTavish is in this movie. Tim Kang, as En-Joo, is in that movie. Those are all excellent people to be in a movie. (Action movie trailer voice) In a world, with Rambo... (Normal voice) Let's go to the phones, and by that I'm going to read this e-mail from this dude, that uh, sent me a ...

(deep breathing sound is heard)

Joel: Ok, Kip. Shit. What do you have, sleep apnea? Waking sleep apnea? (Stallone voice) I don't even know why you're breathing so loud. (Normal voice) What did that turn into at the end?

Eli: Sleep.

Joel: That turned into somebody else. (mumbles incoherently)

1st Caller: Sweet Child O'Mine Edit

(first three notes of "Sweet Child O Mine" play)

(Joel imitates guitar part from "Sweet Child O Mine")

Eli: So let's get to our e-mail ...

Joel: Let's go to the phones. That guy was going to call in and play "Sweet Child of Mine". He's been practicing. Hang on, let me just dial him up here.

Eli: Let's go live ...

Joel: Hang on. Beep Boop Boop Boop Beep Boop Boop. Beep.

Eli: Thanks, Mr. Bean!

Joel: Scott, you're on the phone? Oh, he's already playing.

("Sweet Child O Mine" plays)

Joel: He's in the middle of it. He's doing good. I'm liking this. This is rocking.

(video goes "Wooh")

Joel: Oh, enthusiasm. Yes.

(video goes "Wooh")

Joel: Wooh. This is possibly the best version of the song I've ever heard.

(video goes "Ooh, yeah")

Joel: That's excellent. Does it get better?

Josh?: It does.

(very off-key music plays, followed by the singer saying "Help me out")

Joel: Oh! Did he drop the guitar? God, that's good.

Eli: Thanks, caller.

Mail Sack: Kip has a Lost Question Edit

Joel: We're never going to get to this, uh, "Mail Sack".

Eli: Sack.

Joel: All right, so this guy, he says, this is about "Lost". He says, "Please guys, don't give out spoilers." Because he noticed that I linked to some "Lost" spoilers. Guess what? I appreciate your question but read those spoilers and you'll be no more excited or depressed about the coming season of "Lost". It's not looking good. The spoilers were like "Kate is alive still".

Eli: It's a schooner.

Joel: "The island is still mysterious." Um, but he has a question. He says "That being said, how'd you like the season premiere last night?" Boo!

Josh: It was crap.

Joel: Boo! Hang on, I have, you know what, (someone burps) I can best express myself ...

Eli: I've had better sex with fat women. (losing horns from "The Price is Right" play)

Joel: Do you make that sound at the end?

Eli: Yeah.

("The Final Countdown" begins playing once again)

Joel: Oh, god. I don't have rights to that song! I do have rights to "The Price Is Right" loser clip.

Eli: That's true, I don't have sex.

Joel: No? Aw.

Eli: Sex.

Joel: Fat Sex. Fat lady sex. He says, god, am I ever going to finish this, "What'd you think of the premiere?" Question 1. Question 2 "Who in the world are these rescuers?" They're two little mice from that cartoon. And, "What are they really after? What group is the guy who claimed to be from Oceanic ... " I think he's talking about the Haitian that came to visit Hurley. And "Who do you think the other 3 in the Oceanic 6 are? My picks are Michael, Sawyer, and Sun." Blabbity blah. I ...

Eli: I'm going with 42.

Joel: Kate and Sawyer ... 8! Kate and Sawyer, no, Kate and Jack are alive, you know that, you know Hurley's alive, and you have 3 more. It's going to be Sun, Jin, and a wildcard.

Someone: (creepy voice) Or do we?

Joel: And a wildcard. I ... Josh summed it up best for me yesterday when I said, I said "What the fuck?", I think I messaged him with "What the fuck Lost?" and he replied "What the fuck writers?" That sums it up. That was one of the worst written turds of an episode that I've ever seen. I can't even be funny about that because it just makes me sad. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Josh: It's like, I can't be all down. Ben still managed to be bad-ass.

Joel: (Ben voice) Wow, Jack. You beat me up, you cock.

Eli Has a $500 Cat Edit

Eli: I punched my cat when it was all, when the show was over. So upset.

Josh: Is that the one that you just got back from the vet?

Eli: Yeah, it was ...

Joel: This is great. What happened to your cat? It's this show now. This is the show we're doing now. "What happened to your cat?"

Eli: My cat was ...

Joel: It haz cheezburger. It had.

Eli: I really don't want to comment on that.

Joel: Your cat got sick. And Eli goes, and he takes it to the vet. And then he says, "Oh man, that was so expensive, it was ... "

Eli: 500 clams.

Joel: Five hunnies.

Eli: Bones.

Joel: Benjamins. Five bones wouldn't have been bad. And I, my point was that a new cat is less than that. It's free. It's $500 cheaper.

Eli: You know, I'm not going to get into why I'm gay (Joel: About cats?), why I don't want to put down my cat.

Joel: Why I'm gay for cats?

Eli: Yes.

Joel: Because I'm actually gay for cats. I'm actually having sex with my cat. Hang on, that's on the bingo board. That's on Hijinks Ensue bingo, who had "21 minutes we talk about incest"? They win.

Josh: How is that incest?

Joel: I'm sorry, beastiality. Jesus.

Josh: Yeah, there you go. It's legal in Texas if you own the animal. Now, technically, that's not your cat, though, so ...

Joel: Do you have a handbook on this?

Eli: No, it is my cat.

Joel: Do you have a handbook in your wallet on "Things I'm Allowed To Fuck Without Going To Jail"? You're like "Hang on, hang on." (the sound of pages turning).

Eli: A hole.

Joel: "Hang on, hang on. Watermelons. Off the list."

Eli: Woah, I thought we were not going to go there.

Joel: That's true. We talked about this before, that we wouldn't talk about the watermelons and we wouldn't talk about the cats and I've broken trust on both of those issues. So, I apologize about that. Yeah, I don't want to talk about "Lost". I don't care anymore. I'm over it.

Josh: We weren't.

Eli: We were talking about ...

Joel: What is this? Cats.

Eli: No.

Joel: We were talking about your cat.

Eli: We were talking about Rambo.

Joel: Are we still somehow talking about Rambo?

Josh: I thought we were.

Eli: Let's go back to the phones.

("Sweet Child O Mine" continues)

Joel: Oh. You didn't call that guy again?

(video: The only reason you can sing that high is because ... )

Joel: Caller, you've got to stop.

(video: Shut up, Jerk. There was one surgery and a couple shots of testosterone. )

Joel: Caller, you've got to ...

(video: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! )

Joel: That just chemically castrated me.

Eli: Oh no. Caller, I'm going to let you go. Sorry about that.

Joel: That guy's over. That guy can suck it. So also on the agenda ...

Eli: We have an agenda?

Joel: Yeah, no, you know. Um.

Eli: Talk about the election.

Joel: What?

Eli: Talk about the election.

Joel: No.

Eli: Super Tuesday is coming up.

Joel: (commentator voice) Super Tuesday. (normal voice) If we're going to do it O'Reilly style I'm going to mute your mike every time you try and talk.

Eli: Um, I don't think that this war ...

I Can Has Cheeseburger In A Can Edit

Joel: Click. That's how I mute it. Click. Over. Done. All right, let's go to the internet. The internet phones. Um, things that I found on the internet that I thought were just fantastic. Did everybody see the cheeseburger in a can?

Eli: Yes.

Josh: Yes.

Joel: Did you see the guy eat it?

Josh: No.

Joel: That was beautiful. Um, I'll have a link to it in the show notes. The guy ...

Josh: Did they actually show the can opening? Like, I wanna know what it looks like as soon as you break that seal.

Joel: Sweet baby Jesus, the can, there's freshness like you can't imagine inside that can. There is a quality of life that breaths forth from that can of cheeseburger that you can has.

Josh: That looks awful.

Joel: It's like a biscuit of sadness.

Josh: Oh, it's so gross! It's like so disgusting.

Joel: The best part was that one of the predictions was like "I bet the meat and the bun are the same color", and they are.

Josh: They pretty much are. Are those supposed to be pickles?

Joel: Yeah, they were freeze-dried at one point. And the best part is the guy likes it. He says it's like better than Wendy's, he says it's not that bad at all.

Josh: It looks terrible.

Michael Bay is Remaking Nightmare on Elm Street Edit

Joel: It's ... Yeah, well. By definition it's a cheeseburger in a can. That you don't wants. You can has, but you do not wants. And then we've got, um, ok Michael Bay. This is excellent, this is the best thing that ever happened to life. Michael Bay is going to remake "Nightmare on Elm Street". Not sequalize, my friend. Remake. Start over.

Josh: What?

Eli: Oh yeah.

Joel: New. Reimagine, re-dream, re-love.

Josh: The movie's going to have explosions, I don't get it.

Joel: Freddy's going to be an explosion.

Josh: It's a giant explosion with a floating (Joel: A claw?) glove with knives.

Joel: And it eats you. You're going to be asleep, and you're going to be like, aw, I just dreamt ...

Josh: One two, Freddie's exploding for you. I don't know.

Joel: I'm a distressed teen, and I've got all these problems. I should take a nap. My life's so crazy.


Eli: (Announcer voice) With a soundtrack from Aerosmith.

Joel: (Aerosmith singing) When you're dreaming, and you shouldn't be sleeping, and here comes Freddy, (laughs) he's explodin'!

Eli: (Announcer voice) From the people that brought you "Armageddon".

Joel: (Action movie announcer voice) Bruce Willis is The Explosion as Freddy in Michael Bay's "Nightmare on Elm Street".

Eli: The Movie. The Ride.

Joel: The Movie. The Ride. The Experience. The Vegas Casino/Hotel. Tour. Star Tours. Freddy.

Eli: We're going to eat soon.

Joel: You can have some of these delicious cookies.

Eli: That's right I made homemade cookies.

Josh: I don't want your fucking cookies!

Joel: Whatever, dude.

Josh: Seriously, they're chocolate. I can't eat chocolate.

Eli: What? Cause?

Joel: He's chocolate intolerant. He hates black people. He's a racist.

Eli: I thought we were not going to talk about that.

Joel: Well, there's a way that ...

Josh: We already broke that rule with watermelon.

Eli: Is there any way we can get around that?

Joel: Yeah, is by blaming it all on Josh.

Josh: Wow.

Joel: That we don't support, we'll say right now that we don't support his views.

Eli: This is the part that's been edited out. And we're back. 3 (Joel: Beep), 2 (Joel: Beep), 1.

(All laugh)

Joel: Woah, hey guys!

Eli: That's funny!

Tom Cruise Needs Rocket Fuel Edit

Joel: So, back on the morning Zoo Crew with the wacky blah blah blah and the bleep blah and the bloop blah. Tom has been a topic of discussion lately, and I have a special place in my heart.

Eli: Tom.

Joel: Tom. In my taint. For Tommy. Tom has so many high-powered vehicles he spends a million dollars a year on fuel. And I going to go and take a stand right now and say that it's spaceship fuel. It's not, there are no motorcycles or high-powered speedboats involved. That it is rockets to the moon and to my heart that he pilots.

Eli is a Mexican like Guillermo Del Toro Edit

Joel: Guillermo Del Toro, Eli can you translate that for me? I don't know how to say ...

Eli: No.

Joel: Does that mean, is that like Jeff?

Eli: Actually, it's a combination of meat and beans, with the flavor of rice. I like to think of it as ...

Joel: The salsa has the flavor from home. Caliente. Muy caliente.

Eli: What does that mean? I saw that on the side of a salsa can.

Joel: I've got a bit that I'm going to do now from now on. Um, say something.

Eli: Something.

Joel: No, you talk like you're interesting. Pretend.

Eli: So I was at the Texan ...

Joel: Muy caliente!

Eli: ... the primaries for, um ...

Joel: Salsa verde!

Eli: ... thinking about voting independent or Green, because I care.

Joel: Guacamole! Pico de Gallo!

Eli: My grandma just died.

Joel: Da, Caliente, muy caliente!

Eli: And it was in a ...

Joel: Grand Madre!

Eli: Actually, she was already dead, and the coffin was in the bottom of the plane.

Joel: What? Are we talking about "Lost" again?

Eli: I don't know, are we? I think "Lost" is better.

Joel: Ultra Caliente! Grand ... Is grandmother grand ...

Eli: Because they find my grandma and she's like "Tortillas?"

Joel: They're like, "What are we doing on this island and what's with all these monster noises?" (High-pitched Latina voice) "Eh, por que? Por que? Ai Ai Ai!"

Josh: (High-pitched Latina voice) "Es La Biblioteca!"

Joel: She's a Looney Tune character. They're like "We've got to get to the radio tower! Eli's grandma, we've got to go!" (Slowpoke Rodriguez voice, hereafter known as Eli's Grandma voice) "I'm so sleepy! I just need a siesta!"

Eli: That's not funny. She was diabetic and she was always tired.

Joel: (Eli's Grandma voice) "I just need some sugar. My blood glucose levels are dropping."

Eli: Because she's a small little mouse.

Joel: Yeah, she's Speedy's lackadaisical cousin. Droopy Gonzalez, or whatever his name was.

Eli: Carolina.

Joel: Doopy Gonzalez. Let's not talk about your grandma, that's making me sad. Because she's obviously lazy.

Eli: She's been dead for a while.

"Canadians" Edit

Joel: That's not funny, man. Um, woah. Ok, so I saw this on Boing Boing. Canadian is a new southern euphemism for, negatively referring to black people. As in, "Hey boys, we've got some Canadians."

Josh: That is awesome.

Joel: That's just beauty. Sheer and absolute racist beauty.

Josh: That gives so much more subtext to every time I yell at Jeremy though.

Joel: For being Canadian?

Josh: Yes.

Joel: I can't call him what I want to call him.

Josh: Yes you can.

Joel: I ...

Josh: He's a Canadian in the worst sense of the word.

Joel: I can't go on. They, uh, that makes me so proud to be from Texas, I can't explain. That we're finding new and subversive ways to have racism. Code. It's not enough to be outright with it, you have to do it in a viral sense.

J.J. Trek Viral Marketing Edit

Joel: Hey, segue, speaking of viral marketing: J.J. is doing viral marketing for the Star Trek movie, in the same vein of the Lost Experience. Which depresses me to no end. There's nothing that I, I don't want to download a clip on my cell phone, and find out what Kirk is wearing, or ... Somebody commented on the site that they, the new trailer, where they're like (Movie trailer guy) "In space, you can weld. And there's a ship. And you're excited." (Normal voice) That they would, the whole viral series of trailers would be them picking out fabric for the Enterprise bridge. And wood grains.

Eli: Wait, there's wood on the Enterprise?

Joel: Oak. Oak, my friend.

Eli: It smells of mahogany.

Joel: Smells like leather. I like this. This is going well.

Pimp My Space Ship Edit

Eli: So it's like "Pimp My ... "

Joel: "Pimp My Enterprise Bridge". "Pimp My Galaxy Class Starship: Excelsior".

Eli: (Xzibit voice) What up, homies?

Joel: (Xzibit voice) This your boy X to the Z, and I'm 'bout to pimp your ... (Normal voice) They've got an old busted starship in drydock, and they're like "Captain ..."

Eli: (Pimp My Ride contestant voice) My name's Rob, I'm 24, and I go to the USC, and this is the spaceship that I drive.

Joel: (Pimp My Ride contestant voice) I pilot a 400 million ton spaceship, made of tritanium, and uh, it's busted, and uh, just look. I never clean it, and the rims suck, and and ...

Eli: Then the music gets all serious and it's like "But what they don't know is that his mom just died and ... " (Serious Pimp My Ride Contestant voice) My mom left this to me, and this is all I have ...

Joel: I just can't get rid of my space-hoopty.

Eli: My father left me because (Joel: of my space-hoopty) I'm an alcoholic.


Eli: Yay!

Joel: Yay! My life is better!

Eli: Candy Mountain!

Full Circle: Back To Rambo Edit

Joel: Aw, Candy Mountain. I don't even know what that means. (Stallone voice) I don't even know what she's talking about, I don't know why she's saying ... Is there a mountain? Is there candy? (mumbling)

Josh: That was what the whole movie was like!

Joel: That was literally verbatim.

Josh: Twenty minutes in, he just quit talking!

Joel: (mumbling) Explosion.

Eli: Then it was like (machine gun sounds) (explosion sounds) (machine gun sounds)

Joel: Let's bring up the kill count.

Josh: What are those, fucking war drums? What are you doing?

Joel: He was killing African tribesmen.

Eli: He shot bullets like, out of his hands.

Joel: Rat tat tat tat tat. On that ass. Ok, I've got the kill chart in front of me right now. We're back to Rambo. Full circle. Rambo. Let's go on just this movie alone. Actually, this is nice. Number of bad guys killed by Rambo with his shirt on. First Blood: 1. 2, First Blood 2: 12. Rambo 3: 33. Rambo 4: 83. Shirt's still on. He hadn't even gotten started yet. He's not even in the right gear.

Josh: That was the intro.

Eli: I think he killed one dude at the very beginning, like, taking a dump.

Joel: Does it say that? That didn't make it to the chart. Ok, who remembers the real number one "First Blood"? Did anyone see that at this table that remembers it well?

Eli: I'm actually old enough to say I saw that at the drive-in.

Joel: Well, because you're 60, I understand that. (Old-Timey voice) I saw that on the talkies!

Eli: (Old-Timey voice) I saw that on the moving picture!

Joel: (Old-Timey voice) The moving picture, see. We went to the videoscope.

Eli: (inaudible)

Joel: Charleston! Charleston!

Eli: Yeah, when I went there they were like "Champ, champ, what did you think of the movie? Was the movie the bee's knees?"

Joel: (Old-Time voice) Extrey, extrey. It's the whole kit and caboodle. Rambo 4 takes the talkies. (Normal voice) The Talkie Awards. Eli, was actually a guest at the Talkie Awards. (Old-Timey Voice) The first annual Talkie Awards, 1918 has never been so exciting. Best Use of a Train going Toward the Screen: All of them!

Josh: That doesn't make any sense!

Joel: Well, 'cause there was that movie where everyone thought that the train was going to fly out of the screen and kill 'em. Rambo should have been a silent movie star. That was virtually a silent movie, right?

Eli: Yeah.

Josh: It pretty much was.

Eli: I had my own soundtrack of (slow clap).

Joel: Slow-clapping the whole time?

Eli: In my head.

Joel: You stand up at the end and you're like ...

Josh: That wasn't in your head. We were both doing that.

Eli: Oh that's right. We were applauding. It was kind of awkward actually. To be the only ones laughing, everyone's like "Ahhh!".

Joel: "Ahhh! The death and ..." "Ah ha ha ha!"

Eli: "He he he".

Joel: "Tee he he, <giggle> <giggle>".

Eli: Giggle giggle.

Josh: I mean, when the first peasant stepped on the land mine, that was like the highlight of my entire day.

Eli: Oh, they played that fun game where they would take C-4 charges and throw them in little puddles of water and then make the Burmese run through the puddles of water and then find them.

Joel: Like Easter?

Eli: Yeah, and then they would blow up finding them, and then when the other ones didn't go off, they just shot them.

Joel: <laughs> That takes care of that.

Josh: That was actually the intro.

Eli: It was fantastic.

Joel: "Oh, that one's a dud." Bang. Rambo's like (Rambo voice) "Ok, kids, I hid some eggs in the puddles and go find them and then we'll paint the egg." <explosion> (High-pitched ethnic voice) "Ai yi yi!" (Normal voice) Because I don't know what the Burmese sound like.

Eli: "Oh, wonton".

Joel: Are they Asian?

Josh: Yes.

Joel: Or do they just like Chinese takeout?

Josh: <sighs>

Joel: Fail. Face-mike. Oh, hang on, I'm not on top of my game here. I've got too many windows open. We're going to do, um,

("The Price Is Right" Fail Theme plays)

Navy Rail Gun Edit

Joel: Did you see the rail-gun video?

Josh: Yes.

Joel: I'm going to play that for the sound. Does it have sound?

Josh: No.

Joel: It doesn't have sound?

Josh: It's all in slow-motion, there's no sound.

Joel: Alright, can the internet hear what I can see?

Josh: <pause> Yes.

Joel: No.

"If a tree took a dump in the woods..." Edit

Eli: What is that, like "If a tree takes a dump in the woods...?"

Joel: If a bear takes a dump on a tree does the tree care?

Eli: Does it stink like shit?

Joel: If no one's there to ... dealt it, smelled it. If you dealt it but no one's there to smelled it, does it count?

Eli: The fucking trees are telling him "Dude, that was you."

Joel: They get lonely.

Eli: Hey, I'm just a tree.

Joel: Hey man, what's your problem? I got to take a dump and I can't move. Trees got to dump too.

Josh: What do they just like shit all over their feet forever?

Joel: That's all that ... yeah. Yes. That is the simplest explanation I can give you without getting into science.

Eli: He's like "I so badly want to wipe my ass and I have leaves for hands."

Joel: "And I'm 500 years old."

Josh: Great, now we have incontinent trees?

Joel: "I've been shitting in my legs for five, for nigh half a millenia."

Eli: Nigh.

Joel: They're like the ents.

Eli: "If Frodo Baggins would please come and clean up my shits..."

Joel: (Treebeard voice) Frodo Baggins, if a tree's going to say anything worth saying, it takes a long ... plus we're shitting constantly. Please help a brother out. (Normal voice) But you know whose isn't offensive? The pine.

Eli: I would say the palm.

Joel: No, the pine, you want him to shit, you like that. You're like "Oh, mmm". Pine.

Josh: Pine, that's nice.

Joel: That is nice, I like that. Cedar, you want a cedar to shit.

Fratboy Tree / Jack-in-the-Box Edit

Eli: What like maple is the ...

Joel: It's bad. It's like an old dog.

Eli: The 38-year-old frat boy who's still trying to get through college?

Josh: How are we still talking about this?

Eli: "My shits!"

Joel: It's degraded to the point where ...

Eli: Here, I'll be the frat-tree.

Joel: And what, we're going to have an intellectual discussion? At other trees?

Eli: "Dude, I was banging this tree! Uh, there's something about banging other trees that makes me want to shit." He's like "So, when you going to get out of college?" "Uh, college."

Joel: "Oh, it's so great here."

Eli: "I should be a doctor by now, Dr. Tree"

Joel: "Plenty of tree tail."

Eli: "So going to shit, I shouldn't have had that Jack-in-the-Box. Uhh!"

Joel: So there's a giant tree walking up to a Jack-in-the-Box at some point? (Treebeard voice) Frodo Baggins, I'm going to have a number one.

Eli: (fast-food speakerbox voice) Yes, can I take your order?

Joel: (Treebeard voice) I just ... Slow down. Curly fries. Can, can, can you do like a half Coke, half Diet Coke, Frodo Baggins?

Eli: (fast-food speakerbox voice) Frodo's not on tonight, this is Bob. Would you like to upgrade that to a ...?

Joel: (Treebeard voice) I'm going to have to start over now. I was a ...

Eli: (fast-food speakerbox voice) I'm sorry sir, are you in a car?

Joel: (Treebeard voice) I'm a tree.

Eli: (fast-food speakerbox voice) We don't take walk-throughs.

Joel: (Treebeard voice) What sort of car would a tree drive, young man? I'm literally a mother-fucking tree.

Eli: (fast-food speakerbox voice) Actually I'm about 35, I'm not a young man.

Joel: (Treebeard voice) Is ... the ... now ...

Eli: (fast-food speakerbox voice) Thank you, please drive around.

(Car Engine noise)

Joel: Wait, so he was in a car at the end, that's the secret. He's in a little car, and he's a giant tree.

Question From a Caller: Cloverfield Edit

Eli: Oh, I have a question.

Joel: Go ahead.

Eli: From, um ...

Joel: As you are typing to everyone you know: Fail, Fail, Fail, (Eli: I'm like Dude dude dude, Oh God) Save Us, Fail, Failure. Look, we're gonna, we've got anywhere from like 5 to 10 minutes to go.

Eli: Cloverfield, Cloverfield.

Joel: Cloverfield, what about it?

Eli: Uh, the question is ...

Joel: Is it happening live as we speak? Caller?

Eli: "What do you think" ... Caller, are you there?

Joel: Caller?

Eli: Hello?

Joel: Turn down your radio, caller. Caller?

Eli: The question is, "What do we think the origin of the Cloverfield monster is?"

Joel: I thought that was established. It was space.

Eli: "And why?"

Joel: Space. Space. Because it's from space.

Josh: It's not from space, it's from the deep sea.

Joel: No, it crash lands in the deep sea because it's from space.

Josh: It doesn't crash land, that's a Japanese satellite that crash lands and wakes it up.

Joel: I am an expert because I have not seen the movie and I don't care.

Josh: One, I've seen the movie, two, all the viral marketing covers this.

Joel: Oh, ok.

Josh: It's from the deep sea.

Joel: It's an earth creature. It's a native?

Josh: It's from the deep sea!

Joel: That doesn't help me.

Eli: It's native to our environment.

Cloverfield Hangs Out with the Trees Edit

Eli: He actually hooked up with a tree. Someone's like "Hey, man, you want to get some Jack-in-the-Box?"

Joel: (Joel's Cloverfield voice) Hey guys, it's me Cloverfield. 'Sup, bitches. (Normal voice) And they're like (Treebeard voice) Hello, Cloverfield. You're looking rather splendid ...

Eli: That's cool ...

Joel: (Cloverfield voice) Anyway, guys... (burp) So, you want to eat a city? And then get some tail? Eat a city? (Treebeard voice) Well that sounds interesting, Cloverfield. (Cloverfield voice) Guys. Bro-hams.

Eli: Would you happen to know where Frodo is?

Joel: (Treebeard voice) Is that you, Frodo Baggins? (Cloverfield voice) No, Jesus Christ, are you stoned. It's Cloverfield, buddy.

Eli: Dude, bro, Cloverfield. From the Die Hard ... Dude, we were watching the "Die Hard" movie!

Joel: Dude, from the deep sea! Dude!

Eli: We were watching those "Die Hard" movies, you know, and hanging out.

Joel: From the deep sea, bro!

Eli: Eating Jack-in-the-Box.

Joel: Jacking off with each other. What? No!

Eli: And then he throws up the little face hugger things. He's like, "It's me, Cloverfield!" (gutteral noises) And then the little dudes coming running around.

Joel: Little maggots. Little crustacean crabs, that I understand exist because I haven't seen the movie.

Eli: That's some serious diarrhea.

Joel: Do you realize that ... ?

Cloverfield: A Word of Warning Edit

Eli: You can't watch the movie.

Joel: I'm not going to. I'll have to watch it at home in five minute increments to not vomit.

Eli: God, I so want to be there when you watch it. (vomit sound)

Joel: It literally, it says, yeah (vomit sound). We go to the theatre for "Sweeney Todd", we were going to see "Cloverfield." And there's a poster, I posted this on the site, and it says "You will shit your face if you watch this movie. If you like the sensation of being thrown out of a space shuttle, you'll watch this movie." So I said nay. Nay!

Question from a caller: Dicks with Dicks Edit

Josh: Oh, I have a caller with a question.

Joel: Caller?

Josh: Uh, this is actually directed towards you, Joel, since you actually draw the comic.

Joel: Really?

Josh: When will we get some ...

Joel: Are you being serious?

Josh: I'm totally serious. I have ...

Joel: Who's this from? I want to know who this is.

Josh: This is from my friend Travis.

Joel: I know Travis, right? Ok, let's go. Question.

Josh: Question is, "When will we get some full frontal nudity in Hijinks Ensue?"

Joel: He doesn't have access to that part of the site. That's a premium membership characteristic. That's a $10 A Month "Premium Platinum Club Member". It's all dicks. Not only, and I'll ...

Eli: That shows up on your credit card like that: ALL DICKS.

Joel: ALL DICKS. No, it's not discrete. Let's be very clear about this. There is a ...

Josh: It's basically every drawing you ever made in the last four years.

Joel: It's invite only, and if he, you know, I can extend him an invitation. Not only are all the characters dicks, but they have dicks. They are swinging 12-foot dicks with their own giant dicks.

Josh: Excellent, that's uh, is it still (Joel: Balls), is it still actually you, me, and Eli?

Joel: Representations, dick representations of.

Josh: Dickatures?

Eli: I haven't been listening the past two minutes. Why are we talking about DICKS?

Joel: Balls.

Eli: I was trying to read. Because I have such a difficult time reading.

Joel: Like you're trying to get your weekly reading done right now?

Eli: Yeah, because ...

Joel: You're like, "Man, while I've got some time off ... "

Eli: And I'm getting random questions thrown at us. "Beef, chicken, pork, or rugby?"

Joel: Who ... No one can hear us, no one can hear us, right? I mean, I don't understand how the internet works or anything, but how are we getting questions? Are you, you're soliciting questions during the podcast?

Eli: Mm-hm. Yes, I am.

Joel: Record your questions, e-mail them, mp3s, to ...

Josh: E-mail audio recordings?

Joel: E-mail your audio recordings to

Josh: Do not type your questions.

Eli: Upload those to an FTP/secure server ...

Joel: Sure, and then send me the password.

Josh: I want the BitTorrent.

Joel: BitTorrent your questions. We're so coll that you can't call in, you have to, we have to pirate your questions. Record your questions, copyright them, release them on a major record label, and then we will BitTorrent, illegally steal your questions directed at us.

1st Live Call: Mikey, "Who's your favorite Gladiator?" Edit

Eli: I say you call Mikey.

Joel: No, because ...

Eli: Call him up live.

Joel: No, because I'm going to have Mikey on the show later, don't ...

Eli: Well that way we can get a question in. We'll answer that question live.

Josh: I'll call him.

Joel: Ok, go. Go.

Eli: Let's do it.

Joel: This'll wrap it up. This'll be the end.

Eli: Can we get some music, some interlude music?

Joel: Yeah, while we're ...

Josh: There's no way this is going to turn out well.

Joel: No, this can't be good. You can rap, you can freestyle while I pull up the ... (beatbox sounds) No, don't, that sounds, that hurts my face.

("The Final Countdown" continues)

Joel: Let's just skip to the middle of this. COUNTDOWN! (in time with song).

Josh: The phone is ringing. Hey! So uh, right now you're on the air with Joel and Eli and Josh, and you need to ask us a question about Hijinks Ensue (Joel: Or anything. Or life. Or life.) because we're trying to fill for time.

Eli: Speaker phone. Speaker phone.

Josh: Just throw something out, let me put you on speaker phone.

Eli: Tell him to wait, tell him to wait.

Mikey (over speaker phone): So, I was watching "American Gladiators", did you watch that?

Josh: Yes.

Joel: Are you talking to a sad robot? (static)

Mikey: Fantastic.

Josh: So we're recording live right now, so amuse us.

Eli: We're so desperate for content. My mike isn't on.

Mikey: Whose your favorite American Gladiator and why? And then I'll actually have a Hijinks Ensue question.

Josh: Wolf and there's no (inaudible)

Joel: Wolf and the End. Wolf and Over. Out.

Josh: Yeah. It's just Wolf. And I don't have to back that up.

Joel: He goes, they're like, "Wolf"...

Mikey: He was just on the air, he was howling. It was, uh ...

Josh: Also Hellga because she spells her name with two Ls. That's it.

Eli: And probably takes dumps bigger than me.

Joel: While Gladiating.

Mikey: It's really awkward.

Joel: She's like, "And in the giant ring toss that we play, Hellga" and she's "Urgggh! <Fart>! So angry! That I shit!"

Eli: Is he still there?

Josh: Are you still with us caller?

Mikey: Uh, what?

Joel: No, that's the end.

Eli: Caller ...

Joel: Hang up on him.

Josh: I was going to say, we're cutting your mike.

Joel: Cut off his mike. I don't want that.

Eli: I like that live.

Joel: Wolf's had a bit recently where they say "Wolf, how'd you feel about that last match? The little guy got away from you." "Aw, I missed a meal! I'm going to eat that person, literally! Because I think I'm a wolf! Ahhh!"

Eli: Yet he goes home every night and cries. Like, in the corner.

Joel: "NOOO!"

Josh: Well, he has to peel off the sideburns first.

Joel: "Wolf is so sad! Awwww!"

Eli: Like yeah, so he's like, in the corner of the shower, (small wolf howl).

Josh: Just cries into his bowl of beerios.

Joel: What does he eat? Cheerios and beer! Minus the Cheerios!

Josh: That's all he can afford because he works for "American Gladiators"!

Joel: He has a bowl of beer and a big soup spoon. (Slurp) "Wolf sad." (Slurp) He goes home at night and they lock him in the basement like Sloth. He watches old black-and-white TV and just strains at his shackles.

Eli: Time to watch the old picture film.

Joel: (Old timey voice) The picture tube. Dateline 1918: Rambo is released and the talkie world goes crazy!

Eli: "Wolf like!"

Joel: "Wolf like Rambo!" Wait, we have Wolf on the phone.

Eli: Wolf, are you there?

Joel: This is Wolf. Wolf sad.

Josh: Why does he talk like Ludo?

Joel: Who's that? I mean, who?

Josh: From "Labyrinth".

Joel: Oh.

Eli: "Ludo".

Joel: David Bowie?

Eli: "Down".

Cloverfield Shows Up Edit

Eli: (nasal voice) Hey guys it's me, Cloverfield again. Hey, how's it going? I don't feel so good.

Joel: Alright, we're going to wrap it up. We've got Wolf, Cloverfield, Rambo (mumbles incoherently)...

Eli: (nasal voice) I just to have a second. I just got here.

Joel: (nasal voice) "Hey, it's Cloverfield." (Normal voice) You changed his voice.

Eli: Good to be with you.

Joel: He was a frat boy a minute ago.

Joel: "Wolf want beer soup."

Eli: (nasal voice) I'm actually Cloverfield's handler. I actually wanted to let you go know he's outside right now."

Joel: "Wolf like pancakes made of beer and sadness pills."

Eli: Hey guys, it's me, Cloverfield.

Joel: What's up, bitches?

Eli: Hey, what up?

Joel: What's up, bro-hams?

Eli: I'd give you a high-five, but I've got these you know. I've got a problem.

Josh: You know, monster arms.

Joel: Monster hands. I'd totally give you guys some daps, but you know, monster arms.

Eli: Eh, yeah, man. So I cracked open the top of this mountain and took a big dump in it. Man, wait until they show up at that mountain tomorrow!

Joel: Because people go to that mountain ...

Eli: Aw, yeah, man. It's going to be great.

Joel: People go there to ski and there's just one brown mountain. They're like "I guess it's ok. What is this!? What am I skiing in!? It's like monster dump!"

Eli: I was going to put it in a bag ...

Josh: Monster dump! What are you doing here?

Eli: I was going to put it in a bag and burn it, but, you know, I couldn't find a bag big enough.

("The Price Is Right" Fail Horns)

Outro Edit

Josh: You were way too late on the soundboard. Way too late!

Joel: Colossal fail! All right, we're done. Out.

Josh: Hookers.

Joel: We're gonna, I'm going to have to skip to the middle.

("The Final Countdown" plays)

Joel: Just fade into oblivion.

Eli: Alright guys, well, this is Cloverfield. See you guys next week.

Joel: "Fools go home."

Eli: Hey, is that tree guy still around?

Joel: Who?

Eli: The tree guy, is that guy still here?

Joel: (Treebeard voice) Frodo. It's time to end the podcast, Frodo. (Normal voice) God that music's loud. The tree guy can't hear over himself. (Treebeard) Now I can hear ...

Eli: Hook me up with some hot ass, some tree ass.

Joel: (Treebeard voice) I can hear so much better now. Frodo.

Eli: 'Cause they're a lot better than some bush.

Joel: (mumbles in Stallone voice) (Normal voice) Oh! Pun Fail! Failure Pun!

Eli: But I'm a frat monster, man!

Joel: What do you expect? I'm crazy! Ahwoo! Show me your titties!

Eli: I'm going to go to a party now guys, so, well. I gotta go!

Joel: Out. Monster out. He's, that's his callsign. "Out! Peace!" Alright, if you made it this far, commendable, commendable effort. I appreciate it.

Josh: I hate all of you. All two of you that listened.

Joel: I swear to God, if there's ever another one, I swear to God it will be worse than this.

Eli: Hey guys, it's me. I'm back!

Joel: Cloverfield, what are you doing here?

Eli: I've actually got nowhere to go.

Joel: Jesus Cloverfield!

Josh: Nobody loves me!

Eli: Titty-bars don't open up until about five.

Joel: Plus, you know, a 100-feet tall. Can't fit in.

Eli: Yeah, lots of problems. My life is so sad.

Joel: He's just really depressed. For a monster.

Eli: Can I just hang with you guys?

Joel: Anyway, can we go to, like, I don't know, the mall?

Eli: I don't know, Burger King?

Joel: I'll pay.

Eli: I'll pay.

Joel: I'll carry you guys, I can't fit in your car.

Josh: Yeah, seriously, what are we doing for lunch?

Eli: My skin's getting dried out.

Joel: I need to get back in the ocean. Take a little dip. Eradicate the city.

Eli: I got to go hook up with that tree guy.

Joel: (Treebeard voice) Let's go for some bitches, Cloverfield. (Rambo mumbles)

Eli: I don't like that guy, that Rambo guy.

Actual Outro: "Next Time, on a very special Hijinks Ensue" Edit

Joel: Alright, so anyway, we're done. We're hear with Rambo, Cloverfield, Wolf, Eli, Josh ...

Josh: What?

Joel: The end.

Eli: Good night.

Joel: Good night. Good morning.

Eli: On a very special ...

Josh: I'm going back to bed.

Joel: On a very special "Hijinks Ensue". Next time, on a very special "Hijinks Ensue": It's your baby.

Josh: But we didn't even have sex!

Joel: It's your baby! Next time.

("The Final Countdown" plays)